20 Ways to Neuroqueer Friendship
Reclaim your capacity to give more full expression to your uniquely weird potentials and inclinations.
Hi friend,
Last week I asked: What if we experience friendship in spirals, like planets orbiting around each other; drifting apart at times until we’re pulled back together? If you haven’t read it, I encourage you to start there.
Today, Let’s Neuroqueer Friendship!
What is Neuroqueering?
Neuroqueering is the practice of queering (subverting, defying, disrupting, liberating oneself from) neuronormativity and heteronormativity simultaneously. It can also be used as an adjective. One can neuroqueer, and one can be neuroqueer.
Nick Walker lists different practices that fall within the definition of neuroqueering. I chose this example to frame our conversation today:
Neuroqueering is…
“Engaging in practices intended to undo and subvert one’s own cultural conditioning and one’s ingrained habits of neuronormative and heteronormative performance, with the aim of reclaiming one’s capacity to give more full expression to one’s uniquely weird potentials and inclinations.”
Examples of neuronormativity and heteronormativity in the context of friendship
Before we undo and subvert our cultural conditioning around friendship, let’s get curious. What are some examples of cultural conditioning and ingrained habits of neuronormative and heteronormative performance?1
Social maintenance (frequent check-ins, small talk, and casual interactions) is necessary for maintaining friendships.
Friendships rely on reading between the lines, picking up on subtle social cues, and understanding implied expectations.
Mixing friend groups, group outings, and layered social circles are common.
Balanced emotional exchange over time: if someone supports you, you're expected to return the favor in a similar way.
Close male-female friendships are temporary or pre-romantic.
Heteronormativity structures friendships around life milestones (marriage, children, etc.)
To be clear, there is nothing wrong with experiencing friendship in these ways if that feels good and right to you. The point is, these are practices engrained in neuronormativity and heteronormativity and we can disrupt these ideals. We can choose to do friendship differently.
I’m going to quote Nick Walker one more time here. Neuroqueering is…
“Engaging in practices intended to undo and subvert one’s own cultural conditioning and one’s ingrained habits of neuronormative and heteronormative performance, with the aim of reclaiming one’s capacity to give more full expression to one’s uniquely weird potentials and inclinations.”
Now read that again.
We are invited not only to question our cultural conditioning, but to engage in practices intended to undo and subvert our engrained habits of neuronormative and heteronormative performance. As you read through this list, I invite you to notice: Which of these are you already actively practicing? Which ones are you experimenting with? Which one(s) do you want to try?
20 Ways to Neuroqueer Friendship
Call someone a friend simply because you felt a deep connection.
Explore (together) what friendship means to you. Ask big questions like “what makes this friendship work?” and “how is this friendship different from others?” and “what role does this friendship play in your life?” and “what is important to you in friendship?”
Create on your own friendship rituals. For example, you don’t have to celebrate each other’s birthdays. Make a playlist, go on an annual vacation together, schedule parallel play, map out your friendship goals for the year. Exchange friendship zines or pebbles, like penguins—a song, meme, idea, or picture to say “this reminded me of you today.” Small but meaningful little gifts.
gifts I stumbled upon on a beach walk in Mukilteo, WA Intentionally be weird together.
Challenge the idea that romantic relationships are more important than friend relationships.
Unapologetically embrace male-female friendship.
Create explicit agreements around needs, wants, expectations, preferences, and boundaries. For example, agree upfront about how to interact before meeting in person: hugs or no hugs? Around ways to support, you can ask questions like “do you want me to check in tomorrow or wait until you reach out?”
Skip the small talk. Communicate directly and dive right in. Stating clearly what you’re doing and inviting disagreement explicitly without having built “social capital” can feel harsh to neurotypicals, but in neurodivergent relationships, it can reduce pressure. I received this feedback recently: “It was refreshing; the early signal that we could drop the formalities and just dive in put me completely at ease.”
Create scripts. Use established phrases or scripts to express feelings or navigate tricky moments in the friendship. “Tell me all the weird shit you have going on,” instead of “how are you?”. Say goodbye abruptly without social niceties like “let’s do this again sometime.” Just a “this was fun, goodbye.” is enough.
Ask for clarity instead of trying to rely on social cues. Normalize asking questions like, "What did you mean by that?" or, "Is now a good time to connect?"
Redefine social time. Hanging out doesn’t always have to be in person or involve talking. Texting, voice notes, gaming, or sitting in the same room while doing different things are all valid interactions. Value asynchronous friendships.
Rethink reciprocity. For example, I don’t like hosting people at our house. So for a long time, I avoided playdates because I assumed we needed to take turns. Now, I say clearly: “I’m happy to drop my kid off at your house, but if you need us to take turns, then that won't work for me. I can take them to the park sometime instead.” Another example: “I don’t always have the energy to start conversations, but I love it when you reach out to me.”
Call or text a friend after months of silence without guilt or shame; normalize infrequent but meaningful connection.
Rethink balancing emotional exchange. Neurotypical relationships might balance emotional support with lighter, casual interactions. Your friendship might be deeply emotionally supportive, and you might not feel the need to balance it out.
Aim for reciprocity where both people feel valued and supported without expecting neuronormative forms of “equal effort.” It means creating a dynamic where both friends feel valued and cared for, but without holding each other to rigid or neurotypical ideas of fairness or "equal effort." Acknowledge that people have different capacities, needs, and ways of showing up.
Rethink friendship types. Instead of friendship types based on social interactions (work friend, gym buddy), embrace neurodivergent friendship types like Interest-Based Friends, Transactional Friends, Emotional Safety Friends, Routine Friends, Long-Distance Friends, etc.
Reject the hierarchical evolution of friendship (acquaintance → casual friend → good friend → BFF).
Celebrate interests: Share each other’s passions, even if it’s just by listening or asking questions. This also includes embracing neurodivergent communication norms. For example, it’s okay to share from your own experience or share a connection you’ve drawn to your own special interest.
Unmask. Show more of yourself, be weird, intense, unpredictable, and inconsistent. Be courageous and if you’re lucky, you’ll find someone who thinks those are some of your best qualities.
Challenge (internalized) ableism together: Call out ableist behavior or assumptions and support each other in navigating neurodivergent experiences. This includes giving each other grace. After a lifetime of not quite understanding neurotypical friendship norms, we can’t expect to just switch over. We need to build trust with each other and that takes time. That also means making mistakes and repairing any breaks.
Want to turn this into action? Share this list with a friend to reflect on your friendship and select a few practices you want to experiment with.
If this is sparking some ideas for you and you want support navigating your existing friend relationships or explore finding new friends, I want to hear from you. If you want to chat and talk and share experiences, send me an email or a DM. I love hearing from y’all. If you want to dig into your friendship dynamics, values, wants, and needs in a brave, structured container just for you, a coaching conversation might be helpful. Why not use a free sample session?
Side note: in a coaching context, we might explore beliefs here. Beliefs are ideas that we hold true about ourselves or the world. We all have helpful / empowering beliefs and those that are limiting. You can choose to nurture new, more empowering beliefs. Some examples of limiting beliefs around friendship are: I am not a good friend. I need to be good at smalltalk to make new friends. Being a good friend means checking in on your friends often. Shared in-person experiences are required for friendships to last. Examples of empowering beliefs are: I can have conversations with my friends about what we value and expect in friendship. Asynchronous friendships are valid and beautiful relationships. Friendships thrive when we share our needs and boundaries. My friendships don’t need to involve smalltalk.
Brilliant article with so many actionable points. It makes me realise how healthy two of my close friendships with fellow ND's are and how grateful I am for that, as well as some ways that I could develop things further. Thank you!
I love this! I feel like me and my friends already do so many of these (which is partly how we became friends). I wish I'd had this when I was younger.