Am I Just Lazy After All?
an update on my morning routine
Before we dive in, an exciting update: I built a home for my coaching business! I launched my website at www.purposefulconnectioncoaching.com—please check it out!
Today, you might think we’re talking about morning routines, but really, it’s all about fear and self-trust (of course it is).
About a month ago, I asked: Can I bring more calm, presence, and fun into my mornings? I wanted my mornings to feel calmer, more structured, and less frustrating.
It’s time for an update.
The morning I sat down to come up with a plan, I thought to myself: I am a coach! I can figure this out! I can just use a framework, walk through the questions, and come up with some ideas to try. How hard can it be? Clear action items plus a healthy dose of willpower to actually stick with the plan is surely all I need. I can do this!
Morning Experiments
We tried music to lighten the mood; we had a fun family meeting—with popsicles!— reviewing everyone’s responsibilities; we brought back new checklists—for me and my children; and created Alexa reminders. I recognized that I needed to let go of things that aren’t in my control and focus instead on the ones that are. Making breakfast? My responsibility. Eating it? My children's.
While our dynamic and communication improved when I started to let go of what’s not in my control, I still felt frazzled and chaotic on most mornings. I had structure, lists, even music. And yet I kept avoiding my checklist—even though it was new and shiny.
I kept thinking this was a structure problem, but maybe it was a self-trust problem all along.
Of course I experienced my aha moment when least expected it. I stumbled upon a podcast series in which Lisa Lahey walks Brené Brown through the Immunity to Change framework in a coach-like interview. This is great, I thought; I probably won’t get any real insights, but maybe I can use it to frame another newsletter! Little did I expect that I’d hit on something very real.
Immunity to Change
The main premise of Immunity to Change is that if change were easy to make, we would do it—and it’s not about having more willpower! Instead, it’s about identifying the behaviors that get in the way of reaching our goal and getting curious about the fears that are driving those behaviors.
Excited to try something new, I completed my Immunity to Change Map.
→ My goal is to act more calm and collected during mornings; and that includes using my daily routine chart as an anchor.
→ The first difficult question: What are my behaviors that work against my goal of behaving calm and collected? I ignore my own list!
→ Instead of jumping to solutions, we’re invited to ask: If I imagine myself doing the opposite of the behaviors that work against my goal, what is the most uncomfortable or worrisome or outright scary feeling that comes up for me?
And let me tell you, I did not expect what I wrote down next!
What if I’m just lazy?
If I imagine myself doing the opposite of ignoring my list—so, using my list—it must mean that I don’t really have ADHD; it must mean that it’s just been a question of willpower all along and I just don’t have enough of it. In other words: I am just lazy. And underneath: I don’t know myself at all.
There’s a part of me committed to proving I have ADHD…by staying disorganized.
This isn’t just about morning routines. It’s about self-trust—and fear.
I haven’t untangled this yet, not fully. For now, I am sitting with this realization. I’m curious where else this shows up—what aspects of my life are actually hard? Where am I unmasking and doing things my way, with my brain instead of against it? And where am I still acting against my own goals, out of fear?
It all comes back to self-trust. If I still feel the need to prove my ADHD to myself, what does that say about how much I trust my own experience?1
I’ve started writing about “neuroqueering to build self trust”—an idea that’s been on my mind for months—to help untangle things. I’m also considering getting coaching support2 now that I see this pattern more clearly, to help me understand it more deeply and turn my insights into action.
Because maybe that’s the work now: not forcing a solution, but paying attention—to what’s here, what’s hard, and what might be possible if I stop trying to prove and start learning to trust.
Now, over to you.
Do you ever find yourself needing to prove your ADHD is real—because deep down, you’re afraid that if you don’t, it might mean you’re just lazy?
I look forward to hearing from you—leave a comment or respond to this email.
Until next week.
Take care,
-Hanna
P.S.
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“Trust your assessors who diagnosed you with ADHD,” you might say, but they also denied the autism because they’d “expect to see very specific types of movement”, so there’s that.
Ideally, I’d love to experience group coaching, so if you know anyone who offers fantastic AuDHD friendly, small-group coaching (not a membership or workshop), please let me know.
I love how vulnerable you are in your posts about where you are in your journey with your own neurodivergence!
Feeling like you have to prove your ADHD or you're just lazy is so relatable. I've been able to be pretty gentle with myself recently for the most part, but I still have my moments and I think I probably always will.