Creating Distance To Gain Clarity

...on a solo trip to Germany

Time seemed to drag on.

My experience that Thursday morning made it clear, I needed to make a change. I wish I could recount exactly how I arrived at decisions, but it’s all a bit of a blur.

What do I remember?

I remember being outside in my backyard a lot. It must have been summer or fall. I see myself, again, on the phone with my sister; often, and for long times, walking around our lawn (it’s a big lawn, don’t picture me pacing like a tiger in a cage; more like a deer grazing maybe; we do have the occasional deer around here).

---

This is part two of how I got here. (note to self: define “here” at some point). You might remember, it all started with a panic attack.

---

I remember feeling exhausted; feeling like I had tried all of the things, but nothing made a real difference; anxious; always under pressure; always afraid everything would fall apart at any moment; never good enough.

And yet, wasn’t I surrounded by others who were perfectly content in their role? Who felt confident? Who enjoyed their work and had enough time and energy for their families? Didn’t our team connection scores show that clearly, things were going great, no serious issues that needed fixing?

It was just me, not a systemic company culture thing. Right?

I was filled with self doubt. Not trusting my own experience, my own feelings; questioning if I just hadn’t tried hard enough. Maybe I just needed to learn to set boundaries? Looking back at this moment now, I feel so much compassion for myself. It wasn’t my fault that I didn’t see the bigger picture.

So what did I do next? I created physical distance to gain some clarity. I got on an airplane and visited my family in Germany. I started journaling on that airplane and it’s been my most trusted and loved tool for self reflection ever since. Glennon, Amanda, and Abby were right in my ear and I took notes as they were sharing their wisdom on self care and quitting.

Here are some quotes from my earliest journal entries on that airplane:

1. Real self care is making a life that you don’t have to escape from.

2. When things aren’t working, it’s not my responsibility to figure out what works. It is my right to say “not this”.

3. How we spend our days is how we spend our life.

4. It’s not an “I give up” or even an “I set myself free from it”. It’s SO THAT I have space for self care, discover my true needs and wants, and figure out how I want to live my days so I can live a - what is the word? - good, no regrets, happy, fulfilled? - life.

5. I keep thinking about how wonderful it is that I am in this moment, on a plane, flying literally away from my stressful burnout corporate America job type of life. To set free is so much the right language and way to phrase “I quit”. I am really grateful.

6. Making this a separate point, so I don’t take away from the previous: This moment comes out of so much privilege.

7. Quitting is not just quitting the things, it’s also quitting belief systems and ideas. (…) Quitting a thing by itself won’t bring a change, because it’s just the shell, the outer thing. The inside needs to match. I need to realign my inside; need to sort out what brings happiness and a fulfilled life.

8. I am strong because I’ve made this decision to quit. I am setting myself free.

Photo by Ross Parmly on Unsplash

I am struck by the coach-y language I used and coaching wasn’t even on my mind yet. No surprise then, I guess, that two years later I’d be signing up to train as a coach, wanting to support fellow humans who are at exactly this kind of crossroad, wanting to realign their lives.

This may sound cheesy, but this moment was just the beginning; in fact, one of many beginnings yet to come. I trusted my inner wisdom that day. There was no turning back. There was only one decision that was right; for me. I was going to quit my well-paying job without really knowing what was to come next.