Don't Say That! Supportive Responses When Someone Shares They're ADHD and/or Autistic.

What not to say + What to say, ask, and do + Resources

Here’s a fact: You probably already know someone who is neurodivergent, whether you (or they) know it or not.

How would you respond if a person told you today that they are neurodivergent?

If you haven’t given this question much thought yet, I invite you to get curious now, so that when a loved one does open up to you, you are equipped with a supportive way to respond.

I’ve included resources for you at the bottom of this post.

And if you’re neurodivergent yourself and want to let the people in your life know how you hope (or hoped) they would respond, consider sharing this with them.

Let’s start with what not to do before I share ideas for what to say, ask, and do instead:

✖️What Not To Do

• Don’t say “Everyone’s a little bit autistic.” (it’s incorrect or at least a lot more nuanced than that) or “Oh I loose my keys all the time too!” (it’s invalidating - ADHD is so much more than being a bit forgetful at times).

• Don’t ask “Why is everyone getting diagnosed with ADHD these days?” (Unless you are actually curious. Yes, many people are diagnosed, but not because there’s an increase; because so many have flown under the radar)

• Don’t be a cricket (as in: please respond). Having this realization and sharing it with others is a big deal. Chances are, they’ve been thinking about how to approach it with you for some time, so the least you can do is acknowledge it.

• Don’t say “but you don’t look/seem autistic” based on your vague (and limited) ideas about autism from watching Big Bang Theory.

• Don’t say “but you’re always so organized” to a newly identified ADHDer; you have no idea how much they’ve been struggling to appear to have their shit together.

Now, here are some ideas for how you can respond instead:

✔️What To Say

• “Thank you for telling me!”

• “I’m here to support you.”

• “I feel honored that you’re sharing this with me.”

• “Congratulations, friend!” Many of us feel excited and joyful to finally have answers, feel less alone, and understood, but note that there may also be an element of grief - use your best judgment.

✔️What to Ask

It’s okay to ask questions! Here are some ideas:

• “I don’t know much about ADHD / Autism. What do you want me to know?”

• “What has it been like for you to find out?”

• “How can I support you?”

• “Do you want to talk about it? I don’t really know what to ask or where to start but I am curious!”

• “How do you prefer to communicate about this? Are there things I should avoid saying or doing?”

• “What does a good day look like for you?”

• “How has learning this about yourself changed how you see [yourself / others / the world]?”

• “Do you have a favorite way to recharge when things get overwhelming?”

✔️What To Do

• Educate yourself. Google is your friend, but be careful, there are still a lot of outdated resources out there. When in doubt, ask the person who shared it with you for book or podcast recommendations (and then actually read the book or listen to the podcast!). Sharing about our neurodivergence often comes with some effort to educate those around us - please be sure to check in for consent before asking them to explain and do some of your own research.

• Get curious about your own brain. You often hear people say “I always thought these were just family quirks!” And when they realize they’re neurodivergent, well, we might start seeing our family members in a different light. So, if a family member is sharing this with you and a lot of their experiences resonates with you, be aware that your default reaction might be resistance. Notice it, then get curious.

Resources:

I tried to include a variety of approaches and formats. Hopefully there’s something on this list for everyone, whether you want an easy read, a conversation starter, a deep dive, or a memoir.

Starter Pack if you want an introduction:

• What I Mean When I Say I’m Autistic by Annie Kotowicz: “In this intimate and insightful mix of memoir and manifesto, Annie Kotowicz invites you inside the mind of an autistic woman, sharing the trials and triumphs of a life before and after diagnosis.”

  Easy and quick (120 pages) read that gives a glimpse into one autistic person’s life.
  

• ADDitude Magazine
  

• Chadd.org: “Children and Adults with Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (CHADD)”
  

• The Mini ADHD Coach: Tools and Support to Make Life Easier--A Visual Guide: easy to consume, funny and honest, a great conversation starter that makes it easy to say things like “is this what it’s like for you?” and “tell me more about this experience!” and “how can I support you with this?”.
  

• I wrote about a few concepts related to autism and ADHD back in April. It’s less of an introduction and more of a “start in the middle”. I would have been be delighted if someone approached me and said “can we dive into monotropism together?” If you’re not sure what else to say, why not share it to kick off a conversation?

Dive deeper if you want to learn more:

• Divergent Mind: Thriving in a World That Wasn't Designed for You: “A paradigm-shifting study of neurodivergent women--those with ADHD, autism, synesthesia, high sensitivity, and sensory processing disorder--exploring why these traits are overlooked in women and how society benefits from allowing their unique strengths to flourish.”

  Great starting point - it’s been a while since I read this and might want to read it again. Anyone want to read it together?
  

• Dr. Neff is my go-to resource. Their website includes detailed blogs and workbooks. Together with Patrick Casale, they host the Divergent Conversations podcast. As an intro, you could start with their series “What is ADHD?” (episodes 55-58) or “What is Autism?” (episodes 48-51).
  

• The Electricity of Every Living Thing by Katherine May was one of the first books I read on the topic of autism. I recommend this for anyone who wants to feel like they are walking along someone on their discovery journey without getting into diagnostic criteria. It’s possible to read this as just an interesting memoir as an entry point if you’re hesitant about the topic.
  

• The Neurodivergent Woman Podcast is hosted by clinical psychologist Monique Mitchelson and clinical neuropsychologist Dr Michelle Livock. It’s an excellent resource that covers a lot of different topics. I recommend this episode on what an AuDHD brain looks like.

Go all in if you want to support a loved one:

• Unmasking Autism: Discovering the New Faces of Neurodiversity by Devon Price. This book is often the first recommendation for anyone who is exploring their neurodivergence. If you’re looking for more than an introduction and are invested in supporting a loved one on their discovery journey, this is the book to get.
  

• Is This Autism?: A Guide for Clinicians and Everyone Else: “Though our understanding of autism has greatly expanded, many autistic individuals are still missed or misdiagnosed. This highly accessible book clarifies many ways that autism can present, particularly in people who camouflage to hide their autistic traits.” For anyone who wants to understand the diagnostic criteria of the DSM-5 but from a more encompassing, inclusive lens. Filled with non-stereotypical specific examples.
  

• “Coming out” as Late-Diagnosed Neurodivergent: How You Can Support Yourself and How Your Loved Ones Can Support You.

I hope this was helpful - please share (by forwarding the email or restacking in the Substack app) and add your thoughts and questions in the comments below.

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P.S. If you’re looking for support to start your week with reflection, intention, and kindness, you might enjoy Momentum Muse - a different kind of newsletter filled with reflection questions to consider where you are now, where you want to be, and how you want to get there. Come and join me!