This is a concise guide, thanks! Some other resources that can be useful:
* Stimpunks (https://stimpunks.org/) - basically has everything you'd ever want to know about neurodiversity, citing other online sources and books. Their glossary is a great place to start. Warning: there is a lot of scrolling involved.
* We Are Unmasked (https://www.weareunmasked.com/) - another good resource for hearing about other people's experiences.
* The Autism Books by Autistic Authors Project (https://autismbooksbyautisticauthors.com/) - attempts to catalogue all books written about or related to autism by people who have the condition.
Thank you so much, Hanna! I’ve only very recently discovered my autism — to my great relief. So many answers. But introducing this information to friends and family is daunting, as much as I believe it will help us both. A lifetime of being misunderstood and labeled as difficult or strange has left its mark as a hesitancy to expose myself to further misunderstanding and labeling. Your guide is invaluable both for suggestions and also much needed resources — not mention lending confidence that this can be done successfully. Your effort in compiling this information is much appreciated. xx
Thanks, Hanna, your reflections, suggestions and question prompts are wonderful! They’re clarifying my thought process about the situation and that helps so much. Your point about how an autism discovery might be a much bigger deal to me than the people around me makes a lot of sense. A big part of this is being over-sensitized to others’ negative reactions after so many years of being regarded as ‘different, or unwilling (more like unable) to go along with the pack. I’m going to sit with these questions and see what else arrives before I make a decision about speaking up.
I so appreciate your taking the time to offer your support and suggestions. xx
Hi Julia, congratulations on your autism discovery!
I completely understand the hesitancy. I can tell you this: it’s much easier for me to put all of this together for the world (and my family) to see than to have an actual conversation about it. I still haven’t told many people.
My sister has been encouraging me to write more articles like this, directly speaking to friends and family members. Your comment confirms that that might be a good idea. If you agree, what guides or information would you like to be able to share with others?
Thanks for the congratulations, Hanna! Celebrating the diagnosis does seem peculiar to the very few I’ve told, but how can they possibly understand how it feels to discover you’re perfectly sound exactly as you are and always have been, just wired differently! And that you’re not alone by a long shot…there’s support out there, and people who are having similar experiences. I’ve felt so much reassurance from having this new awareness, and on top of it, we also just discovered that my husband, who’s known for a few years he is ADHD, is also autistic. This makes perfect sense. We’ve always understand each other beautifully —two happy peas in a neurodivergent pod :)
To your question about more articles in the same vein, yes please! This would be enormously helpful. Are there online support groups you’d recommend? I don’t have anything else specific to request, other than wondering about the best way to go about introducing such a weighted subject.
For example, I’ve been trying to figure out the best time and way to tell my son and his fiancée - they’re shortly going to be married in a wedding overseas that will go on for a few days. I’m very happy to be playing my part, but I also know how much down time I’m going to need to be able to function well in a super demanding social setting. Their having a better understanding of my needs would be helpful for all of us. Obviously, I haven’t wanted to drop this surprise on them when they’re challenged enough with their own stuff. So as usual, I’m stressing and sparing everyone else, lol. I mean, it can wait, obviously, and will have to for a time. But these ‘how and when’ situations are bafflers.
Julia, isn’t it fun when people around you are having the same or similar realization? The whole process of both discovering my ADHD and later realizing I’m also autistic brought me closer to some family members.
Now, the baffling how and when situations! I find it difficult to give general advice because everyone is so different (and the coach in me prefers curious questions anyway!). Here are some ideas and questions for you to consider:
- what’s the reason you want to share this with them? What’s the reason you want to share this before the wedding? And what’s the reason you want to share it in general? (Where’s the difference and where’s the overlap)
- remember you don’t have to say “I am autistic!” You can say things like “I’m trying to take care of my sensory needs while we’re there and might spend more time away from everyone else to recharge” or “I have realized how challenging and draining social interactions are for me; can we talk about expectations regarding ‘my part’?”
- I love that you’re considering that they have a lot on their minds. I’d also offer this: In my experience, people close to me weren’t surprised and it felt less like a big deal to them than it was to me. It can feel so huge for us (because it is! And often we’re thinking about it every day!) that it’s easy to forget that for others this might initially be interesting and spark curiosity but not life changing (unless it sparks questions about themselves!).
- I wonder if it might be more important for you to be clear about how you can support and accommodate yourself on this trip to enjoy it and be present. Would that help alleviate the pressure to find the right moment to tell them?
I hope these are helpful and spark some ideas for you!
I absolutely love this post, Hanna. It is such a great guide as to what to say, and adding the question ideas is wonderful. Becuase surely after giving a great response, the next best thing to do is ask a cuious question. Thank you for pulling all this together.
Hi Hanna. Thank you very much for discussing this😊
Diagnosed neurodivergent just over 2 weeks ago, so very new still (although I had suspected as much for a couple of years prior to this). It has blown my mind slightly how the prospect of telling people draws huge and deep parallels with me 'coming out' as queer in my twenties (I'm in my late 40s now, for context). I made a thousand connections and observations that I came here to share, but I find myself completely unable to adequately articulate any of them in the moment - oh the irony(!).
Wrestled whether or not to leave this comment up. Decided to go with it in the end - maybe someone else sees/feels a similar connection and/or can articulate it better. Anyway, thank you. 💜
Love this! I got a lot of great information from Embrace Autism as well. They have a number of reliable self-assessments for autism, ADHD, OCD, and more.
This is a concise guide, thanks! Some other resources that can be useful:
* Stimpunks (https://stimpunks.org/) - basically has everything you'd ever want to know about neurodiversity, citing other online sources and books. Their glossary is a great place to start. Warning: there is a lot of scrolling involved.
* The Autistic Self Advocacy Network (https://autisticadvocacy.org/) - good launching point for advocacy.
* We Are Unmasked (https://www.weareunmasked.com/) - another good resource for hearing about other people's experiences.
* The Autism Books by Autistic Authors Project (https://autismbooksbyautisticauthors.com/) - attempts to catalogue all books written about or related to autism by people who have the condition.
Wow, these are great resources - especially the book list! Thank you for sharing these, Dylan!
Thank you so much, Hanna! I’ve only very recently discovered my autism — to my great relief. So many answers. But introducing this information to friends and family is daunting, as much as I believe it will help us both. A lifetime of being misunderstood and labeled as difficult or strange has left its mark as a hesitancy to expose myself to further misunderstanding and labeling. Your guide is invaluable both for suggestions and also much needed resources — not mention lending confidence that this can be done successfully. Your effort in compiling this information is much appreciated. xx
Thanks, Hanna, your reflections, suggestions and question prompts are wonderful! They’re clarifying my thought process about the situation and that helps so much. Your point about how an autism discovery might be a much bigger deal to me than the people around me makes a lot of sense. A big part of this is being over-sensitized to others’ negative reactions after so many years of being regarded as ‘different, or unwilling (more like unable) to go along with the pack. I’m going to sit with these questions and see what else arrives before I make a decision about speaking up.
I so appreciate your taking the time to offer your support and suggestions. xx
Hi Julia, congratulations on your autism discovery!
I completely understand the hesitancy. I can tell you this: it’s much easier for me to put all of this together for the world (and my family) to see than to have an actual conversation about it. I still haven’t told many people.
My sister has been encouraging me to write more articles like this, directly speaking to friends and family members. Your comment confirms that that might be a good idea. If you agree, what guides or information would you like to be able to share with others?
Thanks for the congratulations, Hanna! Celebrating the diagnosis does seem peculiar to the very few I’ve told, but how can they possibly understand how it feels to discover you’re perfectly sound exactly as you are and always have been, just wired differently! And that you’re not alone by a long shot…there’s support out there, and people who are having similar experiences. I’ve felt so much reassurance from having this new awareness, and on top of it, we also just discovered that my husband, who’s known for a few years he is ADHD, is also autistic. This makes perfect sense. We’ve always understand each other beautifully —two happy peas in a neurodivergent pod :)
To your question about more articles in the same vein, yes please! This would be enormously helpful. Are there online support groups you’d recommend? I don’t have anything else specific to request, other than wondering about the best way to go about introducing such a weighted subject.
For example, I’ve been trying to figure out the best time and way to tell my son and his fiancée - they’re shortly going to be married in a wedding overseas that will go on for a few days. I’m very happy to be playing my part, but I also know how much down time I’m going to need to be able to function well in a super demanding social setting. Their having a better understanding of my needs would be helpful for all of us. Obviously, I haven’t wanted to drop this surprise on them when they’re challenged enough with their own stuff. So as usual, I’m stressing and sparing everyone else, lol. I mean, it can wait, obviously, and will have to for a time. But these ‘how and when’ situations are bafflers.
Julia, isn’t it fun when people around you are having the same or similar realization? The whole process of both discovering my ADHD and later realizing I’m also autistic brought me closer to some family members.
Now, the baffling how and when situations! I find it difficult to give general advice because everyone is so different (and the coach in me prefers curious questions anyway!). Here are some ideas and questions for you to consider:
- what’s the reason you want to share this with them? What’s the reason you want to share this before the wedding? And what’s the reason you want to share it in general? (Where’s the difference and where’s the overlap)
- remember you don’t have to say “I am autistic!” You can say things like “I’m trying to take care of my sensory needs while we’re there and might spend more time away from everyone else to recharge” or “I have realized how challenging and draining social interactions are for me; can we talk about expectations regarding ‘my part’?”
- I love that you’re considering that they have a lot on their minds. I’d also offer this: In my experience, people close to me weren’t surprised and it felt less like a big deal to them than it was to me. It can feel so huge for us (because it is! And often we’re thinking about it every day!) that it’s easy to forget that for others this might initially be interesting and spark curiosity but not life changing (unless it sparks questions about themselves!).
- I wonder if it might be more important for you to be clear about how you can support and accommodate yourself on this trip to enjoy it and be present. Would that help alleviate the pressure to find the right moment to tell them?
I hope these are helpful and spark some ideas for you!
I absolutely love this post, Hanna. It is such a great guide as to what to say, and adding the question ideas is wonderful. Becuase surely after giving a great response, the next best thing to do is ask a cuious question. Thank you for pulling all this together.
I'm so happy you found this helpful! Thank you for sharing it, too :)
Hi Hanna. Thank you very much for discussing this😊
Diagnosed neurodivergent just over 2 weeks ago, so very new still (although I had suspected as much for a couple of years prior to this). It has blown my mind slightly how the prospect of telling people draws huge and deep parallels with me 'coming out' as queer in my twenties (I'm in my late 40s now, for context). I made a thousand connections and observations that I came here to share, but I find myself completely unable to adequately articulate any of them in the moment - oh the irony(!).
Wrestled whether or not to leave this comment up. Decided to go with it in the end - maybe someone else sees/feels a similar connection and/or can articulate it better. Anyway, thank you. 💜
Thank you for deciding to leave the comment!! I’d love to hear them if your thoughts come back.
I’m so glad you found your way here!
Love this! I got a lot of great information from Embrace Autism as well. They have a number of reliable self-assessments for autism, ADHD, OCD, and more.
https://embrace-autism.com/
Right! I spent a lot of time on that site too! :) thanks for adding this to the list!