Feel-Good Happiness Is Fleeting—Here’s What to Pursue Instead
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Some of my family members have been worried about me.
I write about spending days in bed and mention tears; I curse the ADHD rollercoaster; I share the mean things my inner critic sometimes says. I get it, none of this sounds exactly like a happy life. And isn’t that what we all want? A happy life?
With all the therapy and self care and coaching and self awareness and setting myself free from the corporate grind, shouldn’t I be happier by now?
That had me wondering - what exactly is a happy life?
Happiness
According to Brené Brown, happiness is a feeling of pleasure that's often related to one's current circumstances or environment. She describes happiness as:
Circumstantial: Happiness is based on what happens to you, not who you are.
Fleeting: Happiness is temporary and depends on what's going on around you.
I’m enjoying those moments of pleasure: Finding a cute dress at a thrift store; snuggling my cat; seeing the big, exhausted smile on my kiddo’s face after winning the final game of the season; a joke with a friend; a walk in the woods; a creative day in flow; mushrooms (the kinds that have been sprouting all over my backyard I mean; no judgment though if a different kind of mushroom is giving you a feeling of happiness).
So, how do we reconcile those moments of happiness with moments of numb emptiness?
What is the measure of a good life? Does chasing moments of feel-good happiness ultimately lead to a good life?
On day eight, when I decided to stay in bed for however long I needed to and gave myself permission to just be, to cry, to read, to create, to sleep, I didn’t feel happy in the sense that Brené Brown describes it. Instead, both/and
isolated and intimate;
vulnerable and tender;
numb and warm;
fragile and safe;
empty and trusting.
Not happy, but also not … unhappy.
So, what if it’s not about happiness at all? What if a good life is about being fully alive instead?
Fulfillment is about being fully alive. Fulfillment is the state of fully expressing who we are and doing what is right for us.
Fulfillment
In the book Co-Active Coaching, the authors say: “We often confuse being fulfilled with feeling good. The two conditions may co-exist, but that is not necessary. In a state of fulfillment, there’s often a sense of effortlessness — of harmony and congruence with the great laws of the universe.”
We can feel a sense of fulfillment in moments of happiness, but fulfillment can also exist when life is difficult, challenging, or uncomfortable.
Fulfillment is about being fully alive. Fulfillment is the state of fully expressing who we are and doing what is right for us.
Take a moment here to think of a moment when you experienced a sense of fulfillment. What were the circumstances? Who was around you? What actions did you take?
Maybe for you, this was an incredibly happy feel-good moment.
Maybe it was being there for someone during a terribly difficult time in their life even if it was emotionally heavy.
Perhaps you were finally taking a stand, speaking up for yourself, even if that meant disappointing others.
Or maybe it was making a heartbreaking decision, one that felt impossible yet necessary to honor your truth?
If those moments aren’t about happiness, consider this: What if fulfillment is a state of fully expressing who we are and doing what is right for us? What if fulfillment is about being fully alive?
If fulfillment is about being fully alive, then I’m not worried about being in a funk for days; I’m not worried about experiencing a shutdown; I’m not worried about crying in bed. I’m not worried about the ADHD rollercoaster even when it feels so incredibly frustrating. I’m also not worried about feeling sad and angry about the state of this country every time I get a notification about yet another infuriating Cabinet pick.
Those emotions don’t feel great in the moment, but they’re also signals that I am alive, fully alive. Not hiding behind perfectionistic productivity or a people-pleasing smile or a false sense of control.
You know what these feelings also signal? They point me back to my values, where I want to spend my energy, and what relationships I want to nurture.
When I’m laying in bed, crying, it’s not wonderful no, but I also recognize how much more compassionate I am towards myself and how well I take care of myself. Not by brushing it off or acting tough or moving on, but by listening to what I need and allowing myself to be cared for, by myself and others.
Fulfillment to me feels less like happy and more like grounded and connected and steady and trusting and whole. That to me is being fully alive.
How do we find more fulfillment in our lives?
So, how do we go about it? Before we can fully express who we are and do what is right for us, we need to let it unfold from the inside:
We develop self-awareness, understand who we really are, get comfortable with ourselves, and connect with our values and what truly matters to us. For us late in life identified ADHDers, autistics, and AuDHDers, this includes exploring our identity through this new lens.
From there, we can express that inner self outwardly: honoring who we are by setting boundaries, making tough decisions, and taking up space in the world.
When our inner and outer selves are in harmony, we experience what Martha Beck refers to as integrity. The word integrity (from integer) means “wholeness.” Living in integrity means expressing and doing what’s true for you in all situations. Your inside matches your outside.
An Exercise: Wheel of Life
Over the next few weeks I’ll explore some of the angles from which we can explore what a fulfilled life means to you, including values, boundaries, and beliefs.
Today, I want to start with a simple but effective exercise as a starting point: The Wheel of Life.
The Wheel of Life exercise can help you connect with where you are right now. It is an invitation to ask: How satisfied are you with your life? What areas are important to you? Where is your attention and energy going? What’s missing? Where do you feel drawn towards change?
The key is to give yourself permission to really listen to your inner knowing. We’re not asking how we can make everyone else around us a bit happier or where we “should” be putting more effort in. Trust yourself to know, listen to your inner wisdom, and be curious about what you might uncover.
You can do this on your own using the worksheet or just grab pen and paper. (don’t skip the reflection questions! that’s where it gets interesting!)
Here is the worksheet (same thing, two different formats):
We can also explore it together. As a paid subscriber to Purposeful Connection, you receive a 60 minute Wheel of Life session with me. After the session, you’ll have a starting point to define what being fully alive means to you. From there, you can map out a path to greater fulfillment in your life.
Subscribe or upgrade here for $5/month or $50/year:
You can also send a paid subscription as a gift.
Stay safe & warm,
Hanna
Join me for the last session of bookclub (Unmasking Autism) on November 27th.