I am ADHD

ADHD Adventures: Forgotten Phones with a Side of Tater Tots

It’s time to make it explicit.

Have you noticed the little metaphorical breadcrumbs I have been sprinkling in here and on LinkedIn? A mention of hyperfocus here, a comment on ADHD tax there?

Part of me wants to have a big reveal; some creative, fun, surprising way of saying it out loud. I’m honestly not sure what that’s about. Do I want it to fit beautifully into the narrative? Do I want there to be an element of shock and disbelief? (I have always been the ‘good girl’ with the good grades after all; if maybe not fully reaching her potential; sigh). Am I trying too hard to be a good writer whatever that means? Or am I just coming up with a list of excuses because I am more afraid to say it than I am willing to admit to myself?

I am¹ ADHD.

Here we go, I said it.

Journal entry from October 2022. One of the first times writing down the letters A, D, H, and D, trying to make sense of it and capture the experience for me.

It might not be the full story, let’s call that neuroqueering for now (not my own term, look it up here), let’s stick with the ADHD part for now.

Now I feel silly for making it a big deal - many of you reading this already know (one can dream of an audience that includes strangers!).

And some of you might know me and be surprised. I won’t blame you; after all, I was (at least on the outside) the high achiever who always had her shit together and it took me months to get used to the idea myself; my therapist at the time didn’t recognize it; and my psychiatrist wasn’t on board with the idea either at first until I did a complete psych evaluation.

Clearly I still have lots of feelings wrapped up in it.

Today, I want to share it because 1) it’s such a crucial part of my own expansion over the last few years, and 2) it’s a key aspect of who I am and I can’t write here authentically without also sharing this part.

There is so much I could say and part of me wants to go dig up the old voice messages my sister and I shared with each other when I just started to explore it. Today, I’m going to share a few anecdotes to paint the picture.

Here we go:

1. Just the other day, we were trying to figure out what’s for dinner. It was already 5pm, the time we usually eat. Putting dinner on the table was supposed to be my job that day, but, well, I lost track of time. We agreed on fish sticks, tater tots, and veggies. Easy right? We know the drill - I can’t make decisions anymore, so my husband starts assigning me tasks (one at a time!). First up, get the tater tots out of the freezer in the garage. The problem? We have baby chickens at the moment. They live in the garage until they’re old enough to go outside. And they’re cute. And they’re chirping! Adorable! So ten minutes later, my husband comes to find me, wondering what’s taking me so long. Oh right! The tater tots!

2. I’m supposed to write my first assignment at the moment. My coaching training includes taught content, practice coaching hours, supervision, and three assignments; the first one of which is due very soon. Unfortunately, there are much shinier things that I can be doing! Logo design, write here, define my coaching offer, even getting a business license and a tax ID was more exciting. My brain is already hundreds of steps ahead; as much as I want to do the assignment, my brain has absolutely zero interest in it and that makes it almost impossible to get it done.

3. My brain loved the adrenaline rush and constant dopamine hit at Amazon. Especially in my early risk management days - the constant cat and mouse game and new challenges - I loved it! Well, until the constant go go go with no downtime became too much and I crashed.

4. A million posts its, random notes, no system, clutter, several coffee cups, snacks, a mountain of socks, ideas on whiteboards, notes, email, text, my journal, to dos; chaos, everywhere. Including in my head. It’s never quiet in there. It’s exhausting.

5. Hyperfocus…reading or writing or creating art for hours at a time, forgetting to eat, to drink, to go to the bathroom, until my back hurts, my brain and body are exhausted, and need to just crash. I love riding the wave, but the crash afterwards is never fun.

6. You know when you create a plan for the day and decide that you need to leave at 4pm to be wherever you need to be and from then you just know 4pm is the time? No? Me neither! I have to calculate it over and over and over again. I could just write it down, I know. But for that I would need to REMEMBER TO WRITE IT DOWN. Actually no, it’s less the remembering! It’s that every time I calculate it I think THIS TIME I am going to remember it; for sure; how hard can it be! Well, apparently really fucking hard.

7. The cliche, but just as real: “does anyone know where my phone is?” 57 times per day.

8. Another cliche: always being late. No, not me, but do I spend all morning before the appointment thinking about nothing but the appointment, unable to do anything else, in waiting mode? Absolutely! For years I (subconsciously) used anxiety to “manage” my ADHD. For the record, I don’t recommend it. It kept things in check but also felt like lots of pressure and stress and rigidity. Everything had to work just perfectly or it would all come crumbling down.

9. I actually love creating systems and routines. Problem is - even the shiniest most colorful chart (which I spent hours on, of course), tends to blend into the background after a while and just becomes part of the decor. Useless, sad, forgotten.

I will say, there are also plenty of wonderful things about my brain that I continue to learn to embrace. My favorite is that I’m allowing my brain to be more creative and wild in the way it thinks. It’s not always the most efficient or productive, but it’s certainly more fun, sparkly, and colorful that way.

What aspects are you curious to learn more about? My diagnosis journey? How I manage it today? In which ways my life has changed? Resources? Let me know in the comments!

1. not a typo. I prefer I am ADHD or I am an ADHDer over I have ADHD. It’s part of who I am and how my brain works and encompasses all aspects of my life. I still say I have ADHD a lot, too, because, well, I am ADHD is technically grammatically incorrect. Most people use have ADHD and I won’t judge your choice of language.