Thank you for sharing this unique in-between many of us have experienced! I remember feeling dramatic while I was self-diagnosed and found myself hedging when I told even my closest friends. I can feel many of these same tensions in your post. Wishing you confidence and peace with where you have found yourself!
I do strangely feel confident and at peace at the moment. I hadn’t realized how big of a deal it was for me to own it, not just to “secretly” know. It’s been freeing; and also I feel a sense of: now what?!
Thank you for your comment - the responses I’ve been getting here have been really meaningful and important for me!
I too have been at these same crossroads of thoughts. I also think I am but have never been formally diagnosed and also have the same fears of taking up space in a group I may not belong to or being wrong. But I do not think I'm wrong either.
Thank you for continuing to share. It's nice to see I'm not alone in these types of thoughts.
Thank you for saying it here! I’m so glad reading this made you feel less alone. I’m curious - how would your life be different if you stepped into it? I read somewhere yesterday that with a diagnosis “everything changed and nothing changed”.
Do you ever think about an evaluation or working with a professional?
I've looked into evaluations because I have adult children that are definitely autistic, but the waitlitlst is years long.
For myself, nothing would change because I am mildly effected. But my 18 yo daughter who has ARFID, OCD and PDA would likely benefit more from a diagnosis. She struggles way more and having a definitive reason and action plan definitely helps.
That makes sense! It’s frustrating how long and complicated and expensive the process is. It sounds like you are informed and curious though which is such an important starting point to support our children.
<3 I still struggle with this too--quick flashes of self-doubt, and especially the fear of co-opting something that isn't mine. Hearing someone else grapple with this, it's so much easier for me to recognize the clear truth of what you're saying, and to want to tell you, "of course you are! Look at you figuring it out & practicing knowing it on the page! It's right there." Then I try to picture a bunch of allistic normies walking around spending lots of patient, thoughtful time wondering whether they're really Autistic or not, but I literally can't. I wonder if, for some of us, our grappling is actually part of the data, not in contradiction to it. (These are all very new thoughts; I might not be making complete sense...)
The idea of you picturing a bunch of allistic normies walking around trying to figure out whether they're Autistic just made me smile!
Your ideas are making sense to me. My very first therapy session during my burnout was all about me wanting clarity and not understanding why I always need everything organized in my brain, to make sense, to have structure, to be clear, to have it figured out. My therapist didn't have a good answer then, but now I understand. That's what comes to my mind as a response to "grappling with it is part of the data".
I love hearing that it reminds you of your thought process - it’s also a reminder for me that I’m not alone in my experience. Thank you for taking the time to read and comment!
Such a courageous post, thank you so much for sharing. I feel so identified with your fears, the unmasking of my psychosis has been very similar. I used to feel like I wore a costume to work every day but now more and more I feel myself and I feel better. I hope you find similar success and acceptance.
I didn’t realize it would be so challenging and emotional to work through this part of sharing it. But I’m glad I’ve done it and even though it feels a bit anticlimactic, it was necessary for me. I feel a weight has been lifted and I can move on now.
it is! in part I think because we're often still trying to figure out who is behind those masks. It's a process of re-discovery. I think that's something we don't talk about enough. Taking off those layers can come with lots of surprises -- to others and to ourselves.
Definitely! I've noticed that when I have this feeling like I'm closer to who I was as a kid or just enjoying things with a kind of childlike enthusiasm, that's probably closer to my unmasked self- but it can feel strange as a 32 year old!
Your comment just brought up some fun childhood memories for me! I see myself walking through our town, the same song playing over and over on my walkman; walking home from school, being careful not to step on any lines on the sidewalk and tracing the outline of houses with my fingers as I'm walking by; a swing in our playroom; reading in my quiet and peaceful nook under my bed; etc.
What a lovely way to start my day; thank you for that!
That's so lovely!!!! I've been having childhood memories crop up as part of this unmasking process as well. We've had some particularly windy days in Berlin lately, and it's made me remember being a kid running around outside, loving the feeling of the wind blowing over my body and through my hair.
For all of you who have expressed concern that you may be taking up space in an identity/community that's not really yours, I hear you. I spent such a lot of time feeling like that at first, even after I had a diagnosis. You might already know this, but in case you don't: most Autistic people/spaces/communities are very open and accepting of anyone who feels they might belong, whether or not you have an "official" diagnosis. You are most likely to be welcome, even if you are just questioning, and not even sure if you are Autistic or not. If you feel like you fit in, that is enough, and there's plenty of room for anyone who sincerely believes they are, or even might be Autistic. I've been aware I'm Autistic for six years now, and even still, once in a while I go through that thing of thinking maybe I'm wrong, maybe my diagnosis is even wrong, but then I'll experience something that makes me forget my doubt again, because there's a knowing, an experience of having lived my life not ever fitting into allistic society and thinking I was badly broken, only to find out in my 50s that no, I'm not broken, that's the way my brain works, and there are a whole bunch of other people who have similar brain wiring who feel like my people, and I remember who I am. Welcome, to all of you who feel like this might be who you are.
Thank you so much for saying this clearly and welcoming us in! It absolutely reflects my experience so far. It's also really comforting to hear that six years later you still experience some of the same doubts. Not that I want that for you, but it seems to be part of the process for so many of us.
Thank you for sharing something so personal. This is another step to breaking down barriers and acceptance so bravo! You are paving the way to make it easier for the next person.
Hanna, this is so beautifully vulnerable and I applaud you for taking the step to just put it out there. Remember that your masks are still a version of you. They are not a costume rental for a friend's Halloween bash. They are crafted from the same clay that is uniquely you. You are likely at a point where the convergence of your personas is bubbling and ready to be a cohesive whole. That can seem overwhelming, to use one simplified word. You are supported. You are loved and you are held. Your journey is yours and those that cannot stand along beside you will be left behind and are most likely not healthy for you in the first place. I wish you peace and mindfulness along your journey. Even through the yucky stuff, you will forge ahead creating a new and dazzling path for yourself. Enjoy the journey with all of its peaks and valleys. Hugs. 💖
“I’m afraid I’m just claiming belonging to a group in which I don’t actually belong. I’m afraid to take up space in a group that isn’t for me.”
This is my biggest fear, when I say that I think I’m probably autistic. And I’m not actually afraid of other autistic people saying this (because I don’t think they will), I’m afraid of parents of autistic children saying it, or non autistic people.
Thank you, Hanna, for writing this. You have expressed my own feelings of hesitation really well.
Thank you for sharing this unique in-between many of us have experienced! I remember feeling dramatic while I was self-diagnosed and found myself hedging when I told even my closest friends. I can feel many of these same tensions in your post. Wishing you confidence and peace with where you have found yourself!
I do strangely feel confident and at peace at the moment. I hadn’t realized how big of a deal it was for me to own it, not just to “secretly” know. It’s been freeing; and also I feel a sense of: now what?!
Thank you for your comment - the responses I’ve been getting here have been really meaningful and important for me!
I too have been at these same crossroads of thoughts. I also think I am but have never been formally diagnosed and also have the same fears of taking up space in a group I may not belong to or being wrong. But I do not think I'm wrong either.
Thank you for continuing to share. It's nice to see I'm not alone in these types of thoughts.
Thank you for saying it here! I’m so glad reading this made you feel less alone. I’m curious - how would your life be different if you stepped into it? I read somewhere yesterday that with a diagnosis “everything changed and nothing changed”.
Do you ever think about an evaluation or working with a professional?
I've looked into evaluations because I have adult children that are definitely autistic, but the waitlitlst is years long.
For myself, nothing would change because I am mildly effected. But my 18 yo daughter who has ARFID, OCD and PDA would likely benefit more from a diagnosis. She struggles way more and having a definitive reason and action plan definitely helps.
That makes sense! It’s frustrating how long and complicated and expensive the process is. It sounds like you are informed and curious though which is such an important starting point to support our children.
<3 I still struggle with this too--quick flashes of self-doubt, and especially the fear of co-opting something that isn't mine. Hearing someone else grapple with this, it's so much easier for me to recognize the clear truth of what you're saying, and to want to tell you, "of course you are! Look at you figuring it out & practicing knowing it on the page! It's right there." Then I try to picture a bunch of allistic normies walking around spending lots of patient, thoughtful time wondering whether they're really Autistic or not, but I literally can't. I wonder if, for some of us, our grappling is actually part of the data, not in contradiction to it. (These are all very new thoughts; I might not be making complete sense...)
The idea of you picturing a bunch of allistic normies walking around trying to figure out whether they're Autistic just made me smile!
Your ideas are making sense to me. My very first therapy session during my burnout was all about me wanting clarity and not understanding why I always need everything organized in my brain, to make sense, to have structure, to be clear, to have it figured out. My therapist didn't have a good answer then, but now I understand. That's what comes to my mind as a response to "grappling with it is part of the data".
SO GOOD. Thank you for sharing this. It reminds me of my thought process at the beginning of the discovery 😊
I love hearing that it reminds you of your thought process - it’s also a reminder for me that I’m not alone in my experience. Thank you for taking the time to read and comment!
Such a courageous post, thank you so much for sharing. I feel so identified with your fears, the unmasking of my psychosis has been very similar. I used to feel like I wore a costume to work every day but now more and more I feel myself and I feel better. I hope you find similar success and acceptance.
I didn’t realize it would be so challenging and emotional to work through this part of sharing it. But I’m glad I’ve done it and even though it feels a bit anticlimactic, it was necessary for me. I feel a weight has been lifted and I can move on now.
Thank you for being here and your support!
I really like that you describe the decision to work on unmasking as heavy- it is a very scary and vulnerable experience!
it is! in part I think because we're often still trying to figure out who is behind those masks. It's a process of re-discovery. I think that's something we don't talk about enough. Taking off those layers can come with lots of surprises -- to others and to ourselves.
Definitely! I've noticed that when I have this feeling like I'm closer to who I was as a kid or just enjoying things with a kind of childlike enthusiasm, that's probably closer to my unmasked self- but it can feel strange as a 32 year old!
Your comment just brought up some fun childhood memories for me! I see myself walking through our town, the same song playing over and over on my walkman; walking home from school, being careful not to step on any lines on the sidewalk and tracing the outline of houses with my fingers as I'm walking by; a swing in our playroom; reading in my quiet and peaceful nook under my bed; etc.
What a lovely way to start my day; thank you for that!
That's so lovely!!!! I've been having childhood memories crop up as part of this unmasking process as well. We've had some particularly windy days in Berlin lately, and it's made me remember being a kid running around outside, loving the feeling of the wind blowing over my body and through my hair.
For all of you who have expressed concern that you may be taking up space in an identity/community that's not really yours, I hear you. I spent such a lot of time feeling like that at first, even after I had a diagnosis. You might already know this, but in case you don't: most Autistic people/spaces/communities are very open and accepting of anyone who feels they might belong, whether or not you have an "official" diagnosis. You are most likely to be welcome, even if you are just questioning, and not even sure if you are Autistic or not. If you feel like you fit in, that is enough, and there's plenty of room for anyone who sincerely believes they are, or even might be Autistic. I've been aware I'm Autistic for six years now, and even still, once in a while I go through that thing of thinking maybe I'm wrong, maybe my diagnosis is even wrong, but then I'll experience something that makes me forget my doubt again, because there's a knowing, an experience of having lived my life not ever fitting into allistic society and thinking I was badly broken, only to find out in my 50s that no, I'm not broken, that's the way my brain works, and there are a whole bunch of other people who have similar brain wiring who feel like my people, and I remember who I am. Welcome, to all of you who feel like this might be who you are.
Thank you so much for saying this clearly and welcoming us in! It absolutely reflects my experience so far. It's also really comforting to hear that six years later you still experience some of the same doubts. Not that I want that for you, but it seems to be part of the process for so many of us.
Thank you for sharing something so personal. This is another step to breaking down barriers and acceptance so bravo! You are paving the way to make it easier for the next person.
yes yes yes yes yesyesyes.
It's interesting how ADHD and autism are related in many ways. Well done for writing this. That takes courage 💪
Thank you for reading and your kind words!
Hanna, this is so beautifully vulnerable and I applaud you for taking the step to just put it out there. Remember that your masks are still a version of you. They are not a costume rental for a friend's Halloween bash. They are crafted from the same clay that is uniquely you. You are likely at a point where the convergence of your personas is bubbling and ready to be a cohesive whole. That can seem overwhelming, to use one simplified word. You are supported. You are loved and you are held. Your journey is yours and those that cannot stand along beside you will be left behind and are most likely not healthy for you in the first place. I wish you peace and mindfulness along your journey. Even through the yucky stuff, you will forge ahead creating a new and dazzling path for yourself. Enjoy the journey with all of its peaks and valleys. Hugs. 💖
Thank you for your support and kind words Aliah!!
I'd never thought of the masks as actually being part of me before. That's an intriguing topic. Thanks for that.
Clarity, not certainty.
“I’m afraid I’m just claiming belonging to a group in which I don’t actually belong. I’m afraid to take up space in a group that isn’t for me.”
This is my biggest fear, when I say that I think I’m probably autistic. And I’m not actually afraid of other autistic people saying this (because I don’t think they will), I’m afraid of parents of autistic children saying it, or non autistic people.
Thank you, Hanna, for writing this. You have expressed my own feelings of hesitation really well.