How to Experiment with ADHD Motivators and Self-Compassion

More Ways to be Kinder to Yourself as an ADHDer

What’s been hard for you lately? Maybe it’s keeping up with household chores now that your kids are out of school for the summer. Maybe you have been wanting to plan weekend activities but just don’t seem to get around to it and you feel time is slipping away. And maybe you’ve had the best intentions to get work done, but you’re self-employed and without someone telling you what to do next, it’s been easier (and more fun) to explore a new city and play ping pong (that’s me!).

Photo by Melissa Mullin on Unsplash

Have you tried some of the ideas I shared last week? Did you pay a Visit? Maybe you journaled on your strengths? What did you learn about yourself? What worked? I’d love to know - in the comments, via DM, or by responding to this email.

And if you didn’t - I understand. It’s one thing to read about interesting ideas to try, but that doesn’t mean we’ll remember to incorporate them into our lives.

If that’s you, I am working on an idea for a project that will create some structure around experimenting with different strategies - stay tuned!

Today, let’s talk about 1) experimenting with ADHD motivators and 2) self-compassion.

1) Understand your Motivators and Experiment

Are you motivated to complete tasks because they are important to you or someone else or because they are tied to a clear reward or consequence? Yeah, me neither.

In their article How the Interest-Based Nervous System Drives ADHD Motivation, Dr. Neff outlines the motivators that ADHD brains thrive on (PINCH):

Passion and Play
Interest
Novelty
Competition / Cooperation / Challenge
Hurry (Urgency)

This is going to take some self-reflection, experimentation and playfulness. What if, before you embark on a difficult task, you asked yourself some curious questions to incorporate these motivators?

Here are some questions for you - with examples from my own life. I encourage you to spend some time to think and get creative!

How can I turn this into a game or make it fun? (In my family, we sometimes play Among Us while cleaning)

How can I connect this to my interests? (Tidying up or folding laundry is exactly the activity I need to be able to focus on my favorite podcast every Friday. Win win.)

How can I infuse some novelty into this so it sparkles? (A small dose is often enough. A new pen, a new tool to try out, even a new daily task list - just by making it pretty and moving it to a new location, I can usually get a few days when I find it easier to remember to empty the dishwasher.)

How can I turn this into cooperation or a friendly competition (with myself or others)? (I have been working on a project together with someone else lately and we got so much done in such a short amount of time because: we met for working sessions, not status update meetings; we leaned into our strengths; we celebrated each other; and it’s been a an ADHD friendly space where we let our creativity flow without the pressure of having to get things done between meetings. Gold!)

How can I create a sense of urgency? (Beat the timer works well for small tasks: let’s see how many random things we can pick up while listening to one song? I am surprised every single time how effective 3 minutes and 24 seconds can be.)

What I appreciate about this framework is that it doesn’t rely on specific “hacks” that we then feel like we need to use as long and efficiently as possible before they fade into the background. Instead, we can get curious and ask what motivating factor we can infuse into our to do list.

If this sounds interesting to you, I want you to pause right here and pick one idea you want to try this week. P(assion), I(nterest), N(ovelty), C(hallenge/ooperation), or H(hurry) - what’s it going to be? For some accountability, you can leave a comment or send me a message.

2) Self Compassion

These are the three main elements of compassion: mindfulness, common humanity, and kindness.

Self-compassion simply involves doing a U-turn and giving yourself the same compassion you’d naturally show a friend when you’re struggling or feeling badly about yourself.  It means being supportive when you’re facing a life challenge, feel inadequate, or make a mistake. Instead of just ignoring your pain with a “stiff upper lip” mentality or getting carried away by your negative thoughts and emotions, you stop to tell yourself “this is really difficult right now,” how can I comfort and care for myself in this moment?

Remember: you are not alone.

There’s a reason ADHD support groups and online communities are everywhere. It feels good to be connected with others who are experiencing the same struggles. When things get tough, I want you to know: you are not alone. Your struggles are real and this shit is hard to sort out. Do you feel like there’s no end it sight and you should have figured it all out by now (after all there are literally 100s of hacks to “fix” your brain, right?)? You’re not alone. None of us have it all figured out. There are good days and bad and you are not alone.

I remind myself of this by talking to others, by engaging in ADHD communities, by listening to podcasts focused on sharing lived experiences, and by scrolling Reddit — just scrolling through the questions people ask and seeing how many responses there are can be so validating.

“The fact that we suffer unites us as human beings.”

According to Dr. Kristin Neff, one part of self compassion is to remind us of our common humanity. Reminding us of the fact that everyone is struggling and that we are in this together corrects the illusion of being alone.

What are some ways that you can remind yourself you’re not alone?

What would you say to a friend?

You might be inclined to think that self-compassion means making excuses.  In fact, it can help us be motivated and we’re more likely to choose healthy behaviors when we show compassion towards ourselves.

There’s gentle self compassion that feels like a warm hug where we give ourselves a break; and then there’s the fierce “momma bear" self compassion that we can use to hold ourselves accountable — with a supportive tone and intention. Sometimes we need acceptance, at other times we need action or change.

Once we’ve reminded ourselves of our common humanity and that it’s normal for things to get hard, we can then tap into our wisdom, ask what do we need? and choose our next step accordingly.

If this all doesn’t sound actionable enough, here’s one tip that Dr. Kristin Neff shares: We already know how to be compassionate with others! So as simple as it sounds, next time something gets hard and you notice feelings of shame creep in, ask: What would you say to a close friend right now? If it’s helpful to write it down, go ahead! It might feel really good to read it back to yourself; why not give it a try?

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If you feel like you’ve heard all of this before and you don’t trust yourself to make change, let’s work together. I have openings for new coaching clients - whether via a 3 months program or an individual session, I’m here to support you. Find out more here.