I love this! I feel like me and my friends already do so many of these (which is partly how we became friends). I wish I'd had this when I was younger.
What a great read, Hanna. This is so affirming as someone who has long struggled with social conditioning, relating to others & black and white thinking. I loved seeing all of this broken down so clearly.
Brilliant article with so many actionable points. It makes me realise how healthy two of my close friendships with fellow ND's are and how grateful I am for that, as well as some ways that I could develop things further. Thank you!
thank you, my friend! :) For this, and for being around in the very early moments when I messaged you to ask "When do you call someone a “friend”?" - it sparked this whole conversation and it's resonated with so many. Thank you for being a sounding board, sharing your wisdom, and cheering me on!
Neuroqueering life and friends has been challenging and Ive not always been “good” at it or even been conscious of it but learning about this concept (I have nick walker’s Neuroqueer Heresies) def made me feel happy that someone was able to articulate snd frame so much shit in this way. I’m still (like all of us) subconsciously subject to cultural conditioning often enough, but the awareness that you’re not alone and you’re def not a “bad” friend certainly offers solace and hope. I don’t have a lot of close friends and virtually none where I live, but the friendships I have are rooted in this concept. Thanks for taking the time to lay out your thoughts on this with so many apt questions and considerations. 🤘🩵
Thank you for taking the time to read and comment, Sarah! I hope you get to practice some of these ideas (or your own!) with your friends or new relationships.
Btw I think that’s another concept we can neuroqueer (or did I list this?): the idea that many friends means “successful” in friendship.
Yes, that tracks. Success is subjective and a concept perpetuated by capitalism. In life up to a couple years ago when I quit my professor job, I was very “successful” on paper. Now I am neuroqueering the fuck out of my life and piece-mealing income but I’m happier than I’ve ever been because I’m living on my own terms and building/doing things I believe in, that bring me joy, helps others, and that give me the freedom to live shame-free and do what I want when I want. Shedding shame and my punk ethos have given me ultimate freedom and no huge salary in academia or the corporate world can seduce me away from what I have now. I also am “crazy” and privileged enough to believe in myself. Talk about delusional hahahaha! I’ve had some compelling “come to Jesus” moments with my therapist lately in terms of how I’m building my business and I think it’s actually been quite good for her. I’m brazen enough to believe that I might be the revolutionary that people cite as one who transformed shit when I’m long dead. People who think differently and resist the norm are never popular. Thanks for existing, Hanna!
I love that this gives a language framework for having conversations with kids about emerging friendships, too, and that it's acceptable, healthy, and good to be in relationships that feel good, fulfilling, and real. Starting the process of shedding normative expectations at an early age means less baggage, guilt, and self-criticism going into mutually created, bespoke relationships later on.
My mind is blown. I feel like I just leveled up in life by reading this. Thank you for giving me language I didn’t know I was missing—and for naming things I’ve felt for years but couldn’t quite explain.
As a queer, autistic adult still learning how to show up in friendship as my full self (and teach my kid how to do the same), this piece is gold. I’ll be returning to it again and again.
I love this! I love how specific and actionable these ideas are, and I'm incredibly excited to try them out. I'm seriously about to start sending this to my friends
This resonates so much. The idea of neuroqueering friendship feels like such a relief, like permission to do relationships in a way that actually works for us rather than forcing ourselves into roles that never quite fit.
I love the reframing of reciprocity. So often, friendship is presented as a transactional balance sheet, but in reality, support does not have to be symmetrical to be meaningful.
I also deeply relate to the idea of unmasking in friendship. The times I have been able to show up fully as my weird, inconsistent, deeply feeling self without fear of being too much have been the most fulfilling connections of my life.
Thank you for putting words to this. It makes me hopeful for the future of friendship ✨
I'm so glad this resonated. Yes - permission to do it your way, but also permission to experiment, particularly when we find it often hard to know what does actually work for us. Thanks for sharing some specific aspects, too that you enjoyed. The reciprocity piece is a big one for me, too!
Love this, sending it to some friends to share some more language around it. I already do some of these, but I’d definitely like to get more comfortable being weirder and jumping in to conversations quicker. Reminds me of relationship anarchy tooo
I wish we all had goals like that: “get more comfortable being weirder!” Yes! I hadn’t heard of relationship anarchy but Arte a quick search I can see how that’s totally related! Thank you for adding that to the conversation!
I really did. I have a BPD diagnosis and I relate to a lot of what you say. I often feel like my friendships are a bit different but found it hard to articulate that. I’m still trying to figure it all out. Thank you for helping me start to think about it more. I’m really grateful.
There is ease, isn’t there? And also I find it easy to slip into old patterns of how I think I’m “supposed” to act. I’ve found my ND friendships flourish even more when I let go and lean into direct communication, checking in for clarification, and showing my weird parts unapologetically.
This is awesome! As I read this, I thought of my longest friendship and we’ve done a lot of this stuff. But I also realized some of my other friendships incorporate this too. I know it’s being referred to as neuroqueering, but I think quite a few of these things a part of how certain cultures interact and share space with each other too! Especially if you have a certain politic or praxis you’re approaching life with. But it’s really cool to see this written out to think about in comparison to the expectations that some people have and to consider how those are the friendships that often don’t work out or go left smh.
Hi Flo, I appreciate that you bring in other cultures. You're so right, it doesn't have to be just neurodivergent friendship. In fact, I think Nick Walker would agree with me that you don't have to be queer or neurodivergent to neuroqueer. It's really all about disrupting engrained patterns of thinking and being in the world and finding your own way of doing friendship (or anything else, really). Thank you for being part of the conversation, I appreciate it!
I love this! I feel like me and my friends already do so many of these (which is partly how we became friends). I wish I'd had this when I was younger.
I love that you and your friends have found your own way to be friends!
What a great read, Hanna. This is so affirming as someone who has long struggled with social conditioning, relating to others & black and white thinking. I loved seeing all of this broken down so clearly.
I’m so glad! This makes me happy to hear! 😊
Brilliant article with so many actionable points. It makes me realise how healthy two of my close friendships with fellow ND's are and how grateful I am for that, as well as some ways that I could develop things further. Thank you!
Oh Morgana, I LOVE love love your realization how healthy some of your close friendships are! That is such a beautiful takeaway!
Thank you for sharing that!
Brilliant <3
thank you, my friend! :) For this, and for being around in the very early moments when I messaged you to ask "When do you call someone a “friend”?" - it sparked this whole conversation and it's resonated with so many. Thank you for being a sounding board, sharing your wisdom, and cheering me on!
Neuroqueering life and friends has been challenging and Ive not always been “good” at it or even been conscious of it but learning about this concept (I have nick walker’s Neuroqueer Heresies) def made me feel happy that someone was able to articulate snd frame so much shit in this way. I’m still (like all of us) subconsciously subject to cultural conditioning often enough, but the awareness that you’re not alone and you’re def not a “bad” friend certainly offers solace and hope. I don’t have a lot of close friends and virtually none where I live, but the friendships I have are rooted in this concept. Thanks for taking the time to lay out your thoughts on this with so many apt questions and considerations. 🤘🩵
Thank you for taking the time to read and comment, Sarah! I hope you get to practice some of these ideas (or your own!) with your friends or new relationships.
Btw I think that’s another concept we can neuroqueer (or did I list this?): the idea that many friends means “successful” in friendship.
Yes, that tracks. Success is subjective and a concept perpetuated by capitalism. In life up to a couple years ago when I quit my professor job, I was very “successful” on paper. Now I am neuroqueering the fuck out of my life and piece-mealing income but I’m happier than I’ve ever been because I’m living on my own terms and building/doing things I believe in, that bring me joy, helps others, and that give me the freedom to live shame-free and do what I want when I want. Shedding shame and my punk ethos have given me ultimate freedom and no huge salary in academia or the corporate world can seduce me away from what I have now. I also am “crazy” and privileged enough to believe in myself. Talk about delusional hahahaha! I’ve had some compelling “come to Jesus” moments with my therapist lately in terms of how I’m building my business and I think it’s actually been quite good for her. I’m brazen enough to believe that I might be the revolutionary that people cite as one who transformed shit when I’m long dead. People who think differently and resist the norm are never popular. Thanks for existing, Hanna!
oooh I love the energy of this!! I'm feeling it!!
"I am neuroqueering the fuck out of my life" - so good!
I love that this gives a language framework for having conversations with kids about emerging friendships, too, and that it's acceptable, healthy, and good to be in relationships that feel good, fulfilling, and real. Starting the process of shedding normative expectations at an early age means less baggage, guilt, and self-criticism going into mutually created, bespoke relationships later on.
I love this comment, Hannah! Thank you for sharing your thoughts. You’re so right about shedding normative expectations at an early age.
Love it!
My mind is blown. I feel like I just leveled up in life by reading this. Thank you for giving me language I didn’t know I was missing—and for naming things I’ve felt for years but couldn’t quite explain.
As a queer, autistic adult still learning how to show up in friendship as my full self (and teach my kid how to do the same), this piece is gold. I’ll be returning to it again and again.
Wow, Kelly! Your feedback feels really really good to read! I’m so very glad it found you.
I love this! I love how specific and actionable these ideas are, and I'm incredibly excited to try them out. I'm seriously about to start sending this to my friends
Love!!!! This makes me so very happy 😊
This resonates so much. The idea of neuroqueering friendship feels like such a relief, like permission to do relationships in a way that actually works for us rather than forcing ourselves into roles that never quite fit.
I love the reframing of reciprocity. So often, friendship is presented as a transactional balance sheet, but in reality, support does not have to be symmetrical to be meaningful.
I also deeply relate to the idea of unmasking in friendship. The times I have been able to show up fully as my weird, inconsistent, deeply feeling self without fear of being too much have been the most fulfilling connections of my life.
Thank you for putting words to this. It makes me hopeful for the future of friendship ✨
I'm so glad this resonated. Yes - permission to do it your way, but also permission to experiment, particularly when we find it often hard to know what does actually work for us. Thanks for sharing some specific aspects, too that you enjoyed. The reciprocity piece is a big one for me, too!
Love this, sending it to some friends to share some more language around it. I already do some of these, but I’d definitely like to get more comfortable being weirder and jumping in to conversations quicker. Reminds me of relationship anarchy tooo
I wish we all had goals like that: “get more comfortable being weirder!” Yes! I hadn’t heard of relationship anarchy but Arte a quick search I can see how that’s totally related! Thank you for adding that to the conversation!
Thank you so so much. I really enjoyed reading this x
Thank you for telling me Rosie! Glad you enjoyed it.
I really did. I have a BPD diagnosis and I relate to a lot of what you say. I often feel like my friendships are a bit different but found it hard to articulate that. I’m still trying to figure it all out. Thank you for helping me start to think about it more. I’m really grateful.
Love this! I'm definitely working on more ND friendships and the ease of those! 💖
There is ease, isn’t there? And also I find it easy to slip into old patterns of how I think I’m “supposed” to act. I’ve found my ND friendships flourish even more when I let go and lean into direct communication, checking in for clarification, and showing my weird parts unapologetically.
Thank you for reading and commenting, Rachel!
Yes it's so refreshing isn't it! 💖
This is awesome! As I read this, I thought of my longest friendship and we’ve done a lot of this stuff. But I also realized some of my other friendships incorporate this too. I know it’s being referred to as neuroqueering, but I think quite a few of these things a part of how certain cultures interact and share space with each other too! Especially if you have a certain politic or praxis you’re approaching life with. But it’s really cool to see this written out to think about in comparison to the expectations that some people have and to consider how those are the friendships that often don’t work out or go left smh.
Hi Flo, I appreciate that you bring in other cultures. You're so right, it doesn't have to be just neurodivergent friendship. In fact, I think Nick Walker would agree with me that you don't have to be queer or neurodivergent to neuroqueer. It's really all about disrupting engrained patterns of thinking and being in the world and finding your own way of doing friendship (or anything else, really). Thank you for being part of the conversation, I appreciate it!
I have no idea what this thing is but I'm glad you made a connection here and it sparked some thoughts and ideas! :)