So You Think You're Autistic and/or ADHD

Some ideas for what to do while you're exploring your neurodivergent identity.

Today’s post is for anyone who is exploring their neurodivergent identity. If this isn’t you, maybe you know someone to share it with? Or you can read it with a lens of empathy and understanding? Realizing you’re neurodivergent can be a process, filled with doubt, grief, relief, and so much more. It’s often emotional and draining - even when it means finally understanding yourself a little bit better.

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Before we jump in, two quick announcements:

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Now, eight ideas for what to do while you’re exploring your neurodivergent identity:

Give yourself time to explore.

The search for an answer can feel like a massive quest we have to accomplish and we can’t rest until it’s done. At times it might feel comforting to listen to podcasts and hang out on reddit (or Substack!) to read other people’s experiences; and I know it can also feel like it’s demanding your attention, almost obsessive; you can’t help but keep digging, reading, listening until you’ve figured it out. I have been here, I understand. I want you to know that this is all part of the process and you can’t rush it. It’s okay if it takes time. For reference, it took me 1 1/2 years from when I first started questioning if I’m autistic to be able to say it out loud (and I still phrased it as “I think I am”). For ADHD, it took me 6-9 months before I said it with confidence and believed it myself. ymmv.

Find your people.

You don’t have to do this alone; there are many neurodivergent communities filled with wonderful humans ready to support you. Figure out what works best for you - anonymously on reddit, support groups, online or in person, friends, family, etc. Ask yourself: what kind of support do you need? Someone to listen to you with curiosity and compassion? Someone to ask “silly” questions to? If you have someone in mind who has been on a similar journey, consider reaching out. We understand what it’s like and it’s likely that the topic has become a passion, so chances are, they’ll even be excited to hear from you. (How do I know, you ask? I am one of those people!).

Think about how and when to disclose.

You might be tempted to tell the whole world right away or you might not know where to even begin. That’s okay. You know your circumstances best and how supportive the people in your life are. Some things to consider: You don’t have to tell everyone at once; you can start with those who you feel comfortable with. You don’t have to tell everyone everything: You can start by sharing specific things like “I’ve realized loud coffee shops have always been distracting to me, can we go somewhere else?” Or “I need some processing time, can you give me a moment before I make a decision?”. And finally, you don’t owe anyone this information. You can take your time processing it and making new connections and getting comfortable with the idea and your new identity.

Consider professional support.

When it comes to professionals - if you can manage / afford it / have access to it, I highly recommend finding a neurodivergent affirming psychologist / GP / therapist, etc. In hindsight, I wish I had been more selective when finding a psychiatrist and diagnostic team. I could have saved myself a lot of headache. Once I knew what I needed, I found a wonderful AuDHD art therapist. If you’re not looking for mental health support but a space to explore your identity and how you might want to adjust your life, a coach can be an excellent resource.

Forgive yourself for not seeing it sooner.

You know how until recently, professionals thought that only children could have ADHD? Or that Autism and ADHD couldn’t exist in one person at the same time? Or that most studies were done on white boys and therefore diagnostic criteria are based on those studies? There’s a reason so many people are self identifying as ADHD or Autistic - because the system is not set up to support us and so many of us, the “lost generation” flew under the radar. It’s frustrating that we are forced to be resilient and advocate for ourselves for example when a professional insists you “can’t be autistic because we’d expect to see very specific repetitive movement”. It’s not your fault that you didn’t know. We’re learning and there are wonderful resources out there and it’s not your fault you didn’t see it sooner! It wasn’t your job to see it.

Accommodate yourself.

Explore what kind of support you need (from yourself and others). If you are questioning, one of the best pieces of advice I’ve received is: You don’t have to wait until it’s “official” to start accommodating your needs. You can start treating yourself as if you were ADHD / Autistic and experience a shift. Ellie Middleton said on a podcast: what’s the worst thing that can happen when people self identify as autistic or ADHD? They gain a new understanding of themselves and are a bit kinder to themselves! While it’s a bit more complex than that at times, I generally agree. If you suspect you’re autistic, buy those noise cancelling headphones, ask your friend to go on a walk instead of to the noisy coffee shop, say no (when you can) to group gatherings, eat the same food for lunch every day if you want to. Once you start, you might realize how much you’ve been restricting yourself as part of your camouflaging. Take up space, explore what it’s like. Heads up: don’t be surprised if you find yourself stimming more.

Make space for grief.

As freeing as it can feel to finally have an explanation for why you’ve never quite fit in, part of the realization process is also letting go of the idea of what could have been; what could have been if someone had seen it sooner. It’s also completely normal to grieve the fact that while you can find support and accommodations, some things will always be difficult for you. This is why I find comments like “ADHD is my superpower” problematic. Yes, ADHDers have lots of unique strengths because of how our brain works, but it’s also not fun when you constantly feel like you can’t keep up with life’s demands.

Be kind to yourself.

Are you exhausted by the emotional rollercoaster yet? One day you’re excited to have found a community where you belong and on the next you’re wishing everything was simpler, fixable, easy? I know it’s difficult but please don’t be so hard on yourself. This whole process can be mentally and emotionally draining, so ask yourself now: how can you take care of yourself today? What’s one small way you can be kinder to yourself today? Are you allowing yourself to rest and recharge?

For those of you who’ve been on this journey, what advice would you add? Let me know in the comments.

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I’m available as a coach to work through these (and other) topics with you. There are no simple answers and together, we can create the space to explore your new identity / this new information. Should you choose to, coaching can also be a space for you to experiment with taking your masks off.

If this sounds interesting to you, message me on Substack or reply to this email.

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