Kindness When Things Get Hard; for ADHDers (and everyone else)

Are you done with the ADHD hacks that rely on tricking your brain and want to find a more compassionate way? Keep reading...

It’s been heavy and emotional around here, dear reader. Are you, like me, ready for some lighter, practical content? ADHDer or not, if you struggle to be kind to yourself and are hard on yourself when things don’t go the way you had planned, this one’s for you.

We’ll cover:

• the Visit

• Curiosity and Mindfulness on the go

• Leaning into your strengths

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Trick your brain, create a fake deadline, put everything in your calendar, create the perfect system, hack your ADHD!

When I first discovered my ADHD, ideas for how to trick my brain to manage my ADHD came flooding in - from podcasts, family members, Instagram, and even books that tried to sell me on the idea that I needed the perfect system or everything would fall apart.

As a high masking ADHDer I had intuitively created different systems, but what I hadn’t known to account for is how much energy they took to maintain. So, in my first year, I dismantled my complex ADHD management system, and now I am rebuilding it from scratch.

Photo by Randalyn Hill on Unsplash

I am no fan of all of the hacks that feel forced and rely on tricking your brain. I recently came across this Reddit thread with hundreds of ideas for how to hack your ADHD. I feel overwhelmed just thinking about the energy it takes to implement and maintain all of these. For us ADHDers, strategies are often only helpful for a limited amount of time and it can be too easy to fall back into patterns of beating ourselves up for not sticking with it and being inconsistent when that’s just all part of the ADHD in the first place.

So, I want to share with you ideas to incorporate into your life with (or without) ADHD that come from a place of compassion.

I have three ideas for you today and more next week. Stay tuned and be sure to subscribe now to receive next week’s edition.

1. A Visit

One compassionate approach to starting a task is Kourosh Dini, M.D.’s practice of the Visit:

“Show up, then decide.”

According to Kourosh Dini, M.D., a Visit is simply this:

– Being with something, whatever work you’ve chosen to be with
– Preferably with distractions set aside
– For at least a single deep breath of time.

That’s it.

You don’t even have to do any of the work.

I find it so powerful because we can keep a sense of agency; we are in control and get to make the decision.

I used this approach when writing my first assignment for my coaching qualifications. Bonus tip: this works for children, too when they just don’t want to start their homework. The thing is though, you have to be okay with them walking away. No quick wins with this one, the visit is for the long run!

2. Curiosity & Mindfulness on the Go

Things do get hard, often. Little things, big things, planned things, unexpected things. It feels unreasonable to struggle with tasks that come so easily to others. I get it. And also, it’s not helpful for any of us to beat ourselves up about it.

One idea to be kind to yourself is to ask: what do I need right now?

It’s not always easy to identify our needs in the moment, but what if next time you hear yourself say “ugh why can’t I just do this thing?”, you ask instead: what do I need?

Here are some questions for you to consider and I’d encourage you to spend some time with them and add your own.

• Am I over- or under stimulated? Mentally or physically or both?

• Do I need acceptance? Do I need action? Both?

• What kind of support do I need? Who can I ask for help?

• What specifically feels hard? Completing it? Starting it?

• How can I change my environment to make things easier?

• Am I motivated? If not, how can I use the drivers of an interest-based nervous system (PINCH) to add some motivation? (more on this in next week’s post!)

• What is something that has worked in the past?

• Tina Ethridge
  (who is on Instagram @comfortandkindness), taught me to ask: What is the purpose of the resistance? What does it want me to know?

• Check in with your feelings, maybe by creating art.

3. Lean into your Strengths

For years, I had kept one of my strengths, my creativity, locked away, because on the flip side of the coin, I found chaos and impulsivity and all-over-the-place-ness. By keeping all of those unwanted parts in check, I also put restraints on the positive creative parts of me. I was missing out on so much and I wonder what you are missing out on by focusing on keeping your ADHD parts that you don’t love under control. “Wait, everything will fall apart though if I let them loose” you might say. Hello, ADHD all or nothing thinking! There is a middle ground here. Yes, you might have to relinquish some control, but honestly, 1) that will probably feel like a relief and 2) you never really had control anyway, did you?

So what if you explored your strengths? Have you ever really sat down and explored them? What are you really good at? What’s the special ingredient you bring to life, to your relationships, to your work?

As an ADHDer, I know you’ve heard enough negative comments throughout your life - first from teachers and other grown ups and later from your own inner voice. I say it’s time to flip the script; find out what your strengths are; show them, celebrate them, and use them for good.

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