I Fell Into a Monotropic Rabbit Hole
Come and join me there!
I had plans to spend my last days of winter break writing and reading, making art with my kids, taking my dog for long walks, resting, eating the rainbow (i.e. fruits and vegetables instead of in addition to cookies, stuffing, and pie), watching movies, and drinking tea.
Instead, I found myself asking questions like “do we have free will?”, “do oysters have consciousness?”, “do we live in a computer simulation?”, and “is God real?”.
Down the Monotropic Rabbit Hole..
At this point, I’m loving my deep dive and the journey my brain is taking me on, but let me tell, you, I felt ANGRY on the first day, when I felt the pull into a monotropic rabbit hole and I knew I wouldn’t be able to resist it.
“The constant lack of agency is so frustrating. I’m at the mercy of my monotropic parts that just want to do whatever seems fun for them, but I, myself, don’t get to have a say.” I wrote in ADHD: Sometimes it’s really fucking hard.
Is this what PDA, a persistent drive for autonomy feels like?
Once that first hurdle is crossed and you surrender, a new hyper fixation (better: passion) feels thrilling and exciting. Sparks a flying, ideas are making connections, a whole web of information and questions is forming; each new piece of knowledge opens up a whole new universe. You’re in awe of the vast amount of knowledge and possibility that expands right in front of you, you savor the moments of new discovery, and are buzzing with energy to get to the next insight, to absorb it all as quickly as you can.
Because you know it works both ways; just as it pulls you in, in its mysterious and forceful ways, it can spit you back out at any moment and it will all be gone.
I wrote about the moment of sadness, when you begin to feel it all slipping away, before: Got caught in love and stepped in sinking sand; You had to go and ruin all our plans.
“Right now it feels laborious,” I wrote in my journal. “I see all of the blank spaces in my map / mind map; all of the undiscovered territories. And it gives me unease. I want to full in the blanks, all at once, and there’s a struggle between wanting to follow each rabbit trail, being systematic in where I fill in the blanks first, while also being pulled in the different directions and wanting to go as broad as possible before it all slips away and I can’t access this state anymore.”
The thing is, it creeps into everything I say or do — I knew I wouldn’t be able to write an email to you without mentioning it. At times, it’s frustrating; and also it really is the beauty of my mind. I love its forceful nature, its relentless curiosity, and its depth. I really don’t fuck around with small talk and I’m here for it.
Have you embraced the uniqueness of your mind?
The Telepathy Tapes
It all started with The Telepathy Tapes, the podcast that starts out by exploring if some non-verbal autistic people can communicate via telepathy and goes on to ask some powerful paradigm shifting questions.
Have you listed yet? What do you think? Let’s discuss in the comments!
Beyond the Tapes - Follow me down into the rabbit hole!
After listening to the last episode, I didn’t quite know where to go next, but a week later, I have a web of related topics. Who knew I’d be entering the realms of quantum mechanics, philosophy, and neuroscience!
If you want to hide from the real world for a while and join me in my web of subsurface rabbit trails, here are some potential starting points:
"The Telepathy Tapes" is Taking America by Storm. But it Has its Roots in Old Autism Controversies by Zaid Jilani (read this one, too).
The Return of Magic by Patrick McCormick.
The book CONSCIOUS by Annaka Harris.
Panpsychism, the view that consciousness pervades the universe and is a fundamental feature of it. Philip Goff is a philosophy professor. I enjoyed this debate.
Consciousness: What Is It Like To Be A Bat? by Thomas Nagel
Plato’s Allegory of the Cave
C.G. Jung - “Collective Consciousness” and “Synchronicity”
Family Constellation Therapy
Yes, UFOs are related too 🛸
I’m finally going to read my first Haruki Murakami novel. “The City and Its Uncertain Walls” supposedly fits right in.
Morphic Resonance - Rupert Sheldrake proposes that memory is inherent in nature and most of the so-called laws of nature are more like habits. His TED talk is fascinating (and also banned - proceed at your own risk).
Superposition: the quantum principle that describes a system existing in multiple states at the same time until it is measured. Look up the double slit experiment!
Vedic Philosophy
Willow, Google’s quantum chip.
“Willow’s performance on this benchmark is astonishing: It performed a computation in under five minutes that would take one of today’s fastest supercomputers 1025 or 10 septillion years. If you want to write it out, it’s 10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 years. This mind-boggling number exceeds known timescales in physics and vastly exceeds the age of the universe. It lends credence to the notion that quantum computation occurs in many parallel universes, in line with the idea that we live in a multiverse, a prediction first made by David Deutsch.”
Reading this list again now is mind boggling. I had never heard of most of these concepts a week ago and yet there’s so much more that I could be exploring. It really just shows how little any one of us knows. Also, I wish schools and work places created more room for self (if you believe in free will, ha) -directed explorations like these.
What’s Next? Questions I’m pondering.
All of this has me wondering about the collective and how I can make sense of my drive to be connected with others while also having feeling the pull into my own thoughts. Is there a way for us to be connected without the social aspect?
If it’s true that we have this universal consciousness that connects us all and people have known this for thousands of years (religion / magic / spirituality/ etc.) and we’ve just forgotten… what impact would that knowledge have on my life?
How can I cultivate wonder? How can I create space for the unknown and ‘what ifs’ without looking for definitive answers? How can I start the year with a set of questions instead of answers?
I’ve been wanting to get my yoga mat back out for months now. I think it’s time.
How can I set intentions for the year ahead while also making room for quests like these that feel out of my control?
Let’s talk!
Share your wildest thoughts and ideas about any of this in the comments (or message / email me). I want to know what you think!
ICYMI
Join me for a workshop on January 7th, 2025 to understand what you kind of support you need / want, learn where you could start looking for a coach, identify "interview" questions to ask a potential coach, and Q&A.
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Until next week,
Hanna
I love your relentless curiosity. I know sometimes we want to “relax” but we must ride the wave sometimes.
I love how your brain works.
Came to Substack to search for writing on the telepathy tapes, and happy to have found you this way. My own path brought me through a psychology graduate degree and years of clinical therapy experience (on both sides of the couch). Jung was always fascinating , but the field didn’t celebrate him. The theories that have left their mark in a more operational way (ie: the ones we are encouraged to use because they are observable) are the behavioral ones. CBT still commands everything we are supposed to do.
And then one day, psychedelics are allowed. Now we are using ketamine. It’s like I got permission to get weird. Game changer.
Anyway, I too am deep in the rabbit hole, though I am sad to call it that, I want it to be more consequential.
We are on the verge of a shift.
Having googled telepathy tapes this morning, all the hits are about how it has unseated Joe Rogan as the top podcast. I have only assumptions about Rogan, but I’m finding meaning here. A shift away from the hyper masculine and towards something…else? Softer? Pinker?
Thanks for your writing!!